I am, hence I believe

One of the great perks of being in a high profile school like Johns Hopkins is the pleasure of meeting and talking to some very intelligent people. Intelligent people, who like to think, who like to talk about it, who are not offended easily by radically opposing opinions, people who can be made to question their philosophies and who will not hesitate to question yours. I was part of several long conversations of this nature, as part of some lunch groups. These discussions meandered from the esoteric to the idiotic seamlessly, weaving the intellectual and the inane in one fabric during the many-hour-long lunches. Not infrequently, was it suggested that we record these entertaining conversations, the idea having been rejected for the success of any future politicians that may emerge from among us, for the sanity of those who may love us in future and as a safety against any lawsuits we may walk into. All good reasons. Sense always prevailed and the conversations were squandered into thin air. But like the unheard crash a tree may have made in a lonely forest, the event nonetheless made ripples in our mind. And I catch echoes of it as I pass by, trapped in ether, pensive that it was not cemented in some immortal electronic avatar.

These lunches, I have realised, not only made for engaging breaks in our long academic days, but also enriching breaks, at least for me. While the smartphones with the Wiki app served as a tie-breaker in discussions about facts, it was to my surprise that I learned that reality however different vastly. The arguments, acrimonious or civil, taught me one thing: we are an extremely irrational species. While one can train in the scientific method and make a scientist out of oneself for all practical purposes, one can  never completely overcome the irrational, instinctive spirit. As good students of science we do try our hardest to keep that in check. But the question is, should we? Should we check our irrational side? 

Trained by the best and brightest in the tradition of rational thinking, I am tempted to say, yes. The irrational in us acts on faith and belief and prejudice and ignorance. And irrationality can make us terrible human beings: xenophobic, suspicious and close-minded. That's settled then? Well, scientific thinking, unlike most people's prejudice is not absolutist. I have come to not just hold but ponder my irrational side. And in that context, my mind most often wanders to our discussions on faith. 

Most scientists I encountered ranged from self-proclaimed, reasonable agnosts to militant atheists. And then there are a few believers in spite of themselves. Being one of the few in the latter group, I have found myself in the hot seat, having been asked to explain herself. Generally, in the scientific community, believers are a shy and retiring minority, on the defensive mostly, avoiding the embarrassing question of why it is they believe in God. It is not like I met any one who believed literarily in any mythology, the virgin birth, or the infallibility of the prophet, or reincarnation. I am sure there are people out there in the scientific community, just not in my lunch group. Most of the theists I met were universal unitarians or non-traditionalists, the kind that Richard Dawkins would find non-threatening and uninteresting to debate because they have, in essence, conceded that their god is personal and is in their head. I have. I am sure that my God is only in my head, but I don't think that makes it unreal. But speaking about my faith has made me vocalise what I think and helped me understand why I think the way I do. It is a great exercise and here are the fruits of my endeavour. 

I believe that all creatures are connected, that we come from the same source. This common source makes us one family. We don't communicate very well despite speaking the same language, but sometime albeit numerous barriers, we empathize with other humans and animals. When I do that, the world resonates with that oneness and I feel an exhilaration that feels other-worldly. I believe that we will all return to our common source. I believe it is not just the physical material that will be recycled into this universe, but our thoughts, our feelings, our pains, our anguish, our dreams and our aspirations. While the secular law sets a basic minimum standard that I must meet to be a successful part of society, my moral high standard is set by my faith. I believe that I must do and be good because good begets good and evil punished by evil. May be not in this universe and in this birth, but in some universe, in another birth. 

I know in my mind's eye that my beloved ones, my family and my friends, dead and living surround me with their love, their care and their good thoughts. And that is my god. That protects me. That simile is inspired by the Indian poet and musician Tyagayya who wrote in a song, that his love and devotion for the god Rama makes his hair stand, forming a shield more powerful that any material. Like Tyagayya's armour, mine is real. It is that assurance that makes me bold, reassured. It allows me to take changes, and makes me a better person. It is these altruistic thoughts that hallow a shrine, it this the collective resolve to only think good thoughts that makle temples holy for me. The virtue of those that walked before me, purifies me and I walk away from these shrines refreshed, reinvigorated and restored.

It is irrational to believe all this, but I have reconciled with my irrational side. I have no explanation for why I do so, but I can guess. Humans are all irrational. Our nature and our nurture creates a world within our minds. This inside world is regularly confronted by the reality outside and errors force a change. Mostly. But sometimes, our irrationality gets the better of us, and we shape the facts that we are given to suit and fit into our comforting world. And that may not be always bad. Some people are afraid of the dark, some believe that all people are fundamentally good, some people think their watching/not watching a game can change the outcome for their team. No matter what the reality, how perfect our knowledge, we may not overcome this. That faith can define us and can make us better, stronger human beings.
I am very much a victim of my circumstance, carrying to my grave the stain of my yolk. I believe that animals have a soul because of the Jain influences in India and that makes me a vegetarian. I believe that trees are our greater siblings due to my Hindu upbringing and thence stems my nature-conservatism. In my darkest hour, my blind faith in goodness guides me on the path of virtue. Only my secular doubt imprisons the perfect saint that my irrational belief has created within and sometimes I miss that strength. Let me hasten to add that I most certainly do not think that secularists and atheists cannot be altruistic. In fact it is amazing to me that they can and I am envious of them. I cannot and for that I blame my nature.

All this is not to say that all blind faith is equal. I think any belief that can be countered by objective quantifiable reality must and will be rejected by reasonable people. Personal belief can only occupy the gray territory where issues cannot be resolved by non-subjective experimentation.

This comfortable irrationality that doesn't make one act like an unreasonable person can end up helping one. Belief has the beauty of making the sullen reality beautiful, of enhancing the colourlessness of the world around us, of subverting boredom, of infusing creativity in our lives, of elevating a hobby to the level of an artform. Personally for me, it is my faith that makes my Indian classical dancing a virtual form of worship. It alienates me from this world and insulates me from the mundane. Having said that, proof of existence of the Higgs boson paints a reality more colourful than the wildest imagination. This reality fuses with my enhanced imagination of being connected with the universe and suddenly, in the outer reaches of the vast, expanding multi-billion year old universe, I travel at the speed of light, till I run into the Higgs field. Then just like that, I am. I believe.